Humor & Jokes

The Soldier

Between the security of childhood and the senility of old age is found that fascinating group of humanity called "the Soldier". The Soldier can be found anywhere: in love, in bars, in trouble, and always in debt. Girls love them, towns tolerate them, hotels hide them and the Government supports them.

A Soldier is: laziness with a deck of cards, ruggedness in uniform, bravery with a tattoo, and a defender of the world with a copy of playboy. He has: the brains of a bear, the energy of a sea turtle, the shyness of a fox, the stories of a sea captain, the sincerity of a liar, the aspirations of a Casanova, and when he wants something it is usually connected with leave or an "excused duty" chit.

Some of his interest includes: girls, females, women, and members of the opposite sex. He also likes: beer, booze, plonk, alcohol, and ale. He likes to spend his money his money on girls, bars, cards, and anything that he left over after payday he likes to spend foolishly.

No-one else could ever cram into one pocket a little black book, a packet of crushed cigarettes, a box of matches, a picture of his girl and an old leave pass, receipts for "Tiger", receipts for "Anchor", receipts for lost equipment and a deck of cards.

A Soldier is magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can take him off your mailing list, but not off your mind. He is a one and only bleary-eyed bundle of worries, but all your shattered dreams become insignificant when he looks at you and says: -
"HIYA, HONEY!"    [ top ]

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Advice On Rehabillation Of A Soldier

Dear Sir/madam,

This is to certify that your son/husband/farther/uncle/lover/cousin/nephew/mate/fiancée/old friend/brother

Number …… Rank…………. Name………………………
Will once again be in your civilized presence in approximately………day's time.

1. These last two years have been hell for him, he has spent every cent he worked so hard for on only the barest essential for a bearable existence i.e. noshing and knocking. Nevertheless he has retained his heart of gold although his ruggered tanned and hardened exterior may belay this fact.

2. In making preparations to welcome him back to organized society you must make allowances for the crude environment, which has been his lot for so long.

3. Whilst out here, he has developed a few odd characteristics and phrases, which will appear strange to you. In order to protect him from being certified insane by those near and dear to him, we append below a few of the phrases and mannerisms:

HABBITS and ACTION TO BE TAKEN

H. Walks into the dining room with a mug in his hand and screams "For the Orderly Officer"
A. Give him his breakfast.

H. Stroll into the garden shed with a towel round his waist, carrying a bar of soap and a tin of foot powder.
A. Lead him into the bathroom and introduce him to the sink.

H. if he sneaks out of the house at night.
A. Show him the WC VERY QUICKLY.

H. Drops whatever he is doing and Heads for the 'charwallahs'
A. Put the kettle on.

H. If he ever says "Your lob" (Which he will)
A. Give him a cigarette

H. After the evening meal he furtively sneaks them into his room and proceeds to eat tea, bread and butter over a very old overse as Daily Mirror.
A. Simply ignore it, as this is another habit that can only be cured by time.

H. If he jumps 3ft onto the road every time he wants to cross it.
A. tell him there are no monsoon drains In NZ.

H. If in a restaurant he sits next to a pretty girl.
A. Get out quickly and disown him.

H. If he goes to a dance and offer his partner a bus ticket
A. Take him to one side and remind him that he does not have to pay for every dance.

H. If he shouts for tops in the Local.
A. get him a shandy and remind him that half a crown is more than a dollar.

H. If at odd moments he drops off to sleep Clad only with a towel and wakes upMuttering **%%^%&* squitoes or@#%#$$ Cold shower.
A. Press on regardless, the tendency will pass.

H. If he prefers to squat on his haunches than sit in chairs.
A. Treat his wish with respect as it should be kept in mind that the
Habits of age's die-hard.

Definitions that may slip out:

1. Egg banjo- this is simply two pieces of bread with a fried egg between.
2. Charwallah - Mother or who ever makes tea.
3. Pit- wherever he decides to sleep or lay down.
4. Satu straight - Beer.
5. Makan - Food of any description
6. Noggie - Anyone he can swear at and get away with it.
7. Tri-Shaw - Three wheeled taxi propelled by a noggie.
8. John - The name of any and everybody other than himself.

When he comes home late, after missing sleep and meals etc for a few days and you ask "where have you been for the past week" and he answer back 'keep your shonk out" don't worry he is only asking you to mind own business.

His diet at first should consist of only watered down tinned-milk, jungle juice, dehydrated potatoes, canned vegetables and vast quantities of stale eggs in various cooked and uncooked stages. Fresh or rich food should be avoided and fish is a rude word. Fill your fridge with cold beer and other beverages and take no notice if, after a meal he proceeds to the front door and throws away half a mug of coffee, please inform neighbours of this also. Just one of his mannerisms. Do not worry when he goes to the movies carrying drinks and sandwiches, as this is the practice on the romantic island he is about to leave. He will gaze in awe at blonde hair, blue eyes, clean streets, hotels and light sweaters. Remember that the only contact he has had with white girls is through the center pages of Playboy. Point out to him that mini-skirts are respectable, barmaids are not easy women in NZ, taxi drivers are not robbers and rain is necessary.

In conclusion I would remind you to show him he is the object of all your affections and I am sure you will find this has the desired effect of bringing him back to normal way of life. Whatever you do don't give the impression you are another Sir/Major, play it safe, DON'T GIVE HIM A HARD TIME AND KEEP HIM OFF HIS BACK.

Signed this………………day
REHABLITATION OFFICER

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